A Welcome Message from Cave Johnson (Collab)

Olympians, astronauts, and war heroes, welcome to Aperture Science. You may have heard of us as producers of military-grade shower curtains... or you may have heard the rumors going around about some quantum-tunneling experiments. Well, I can't say anything about those, but let me tell you, when we get those puppies up and running it is gonna take the world by storm.

And who am I? I'm Cave Johnson, the owner of this facility, the man that bought these salt mines and turned them into the bastion of science they are today. It wasn't easy. It required ingenuity, strength and pure grit. Grit. Lots of grit. Enough grit to fill a salt mine.

But you're some fine looking people yourselves. In fact, you may be the finest batch of people to ever grace this facility. The future of science looks bright with people like you at its frontiers. Of course, that might be because you've been bombarded with an untold number of invisible radioactive particles since arriving here, but hey, who's counting? I'm not.

Anyway, we're glad to have you here. Here at Aperture, we pride ourselves in our choosiness, a choosiness that led to picking you, the world's finest, to test the limits of science, and go where no man has gone before!

Unlike our competitors, Black Mesa, we believe in getting results. Any results! None of that theoretical nonsense here. No sir, you won't have to sit through any long, boring mathematical explanations. We're gonna get right to the good stuff. So put on your jumpsuits and follow me! It's time to get down to some science!

Today we're here with a brand-new Aperture Science product. Now, if you've tested with us before, you may already be familiar with our Weighted Storage Cubes. Our cubes are made of some of the heftiest, most durable, and most dependable materials. In fact, these cubes are so durable that they will outlast a building-leveling nuclear explosion! That's a fact. We've already tried.

Around here, we use 'em for pushing big red buttons like the ones you'll find in the next room. We also use 'em for knocking over our little oblong friends the machine gun turrets. Or you can stack 'em up in front of your tub and use 'em for their intended purpose- a shower curtain! Unlike the prototype, these cubes are mercury free, so you don't need to worry about pesky sensory impairment, a troubling lack of coordination, or severe desquamation.

Some people ask me what they store. I say it doesn't matter! They store science and progress, that's what they store! I'm the owner of this company, I can store whatever I damn well please! Who do you think you are, Albert Einstein?

Ahem. Today we're testing a variation of the Weighted Storage Cube: the weighted Companion Cube! As many of you already know, man was not destined to be alone. Even my office assistant Caroline needs someone to keep her warm at night. Sorry, men, I know what you're thinking, but she's already married- to science!

And we don't want you boys to be alone during the testing, either. That's why we've created the Weighted Companion Cube, Aperture's answer to man's dilemna. Instead of shooting at you or filling your lungs with poisonous gas, the Weighted Companion Cube protects you from harm, blocking energy particles that will vaporize you on contact.

You might be thinking, "Cave, I already have friends. Why do I need your Weighted Companion Cube?" Well, I'll tell you why. The Weighted Companion Cube gives you more than any human partner could provide. Instead of slowing you down or nagging you with pointless regulations, the Weighted Companion Cube is silent, always loyal, and won't mind if you use it as a shield. It will also never threaten to stab you.

But instead of using it and leaving it out to dry, you're gonna take it with you through the testing area. To begin your friendship with the cube, just pick it up and proceed into the testing area. It's as simple as that. No awkward introductions. No chatting about the weather. Just simple, unadulterated friendship.  Instead of wasting time at parties, you and your cube are ready to get to the nitty-gritty of friendships: saving each others' asses.

Unfortunately, your new friend can't leave the facility because some people think that the levels of asbestos in it are dangerous to human health. Here at Aperture Science, that's all in a day's work, but others don't see it that way, so the cubes have to stay put. If you're the jealous type, don't worry. Your cube isn't going to run off and become someone else's best friend. All Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cubes are safely and humanely disposed of via incinerator. Our incinerators are state of the art furnaces with temperatures at a whopping 2001 Kelvins.  Your cube won't feel a thing. Heck, if you want, you can toss your buddy into the flames yourself. There are clearly-marked buttons by the exit where you can say your goodbyes and let him go. We have warehouses full of the things, so plenty will remain for future testing.

But all that comes later, For now you've got a new friend to meet, a cubular friend with a heart full of love. Six hearts, actually. One on each face.

Happy testing! I'm Cave Johnson, and remember, don't be afraid to get out there and take a piece of someone else's pie. Unless it's my pie. As a matter of fact, stay away from pie. Cake's better for you anyway.